New Emergency Management Protocols

Combat Zone

With school shootings and bombings increasing around the country, Puget Sound has taken new steps towards assuring the security of its students and staff. Here is a list of some of those steps:

•The glass surrounding Oppenheimer Café glass has been reinforced with a layer of 3-inch thick steel plating.

 

•Ron Thom has been given a maroon and white set of Iron Man armor, and will now be known as ‘Logger Man.’

 

•New grass of a carnivorous variety has been planted on Todd Field and around Weyerhauser Hall.

 

•All Faculty and Staff have been taught the 5-point palm exploding heart technique.

 

•Grizz the Logger has been replaced by a real-axe wielding attack grizzly.

 

•A new course, “PHYS 222: Theories and Techniques in Bomb Diffusion” has been developed.

 

•The university will sacrifice “diversity” and resume racial profiling as a part of the admissions process.

 

•In the case of a shooting, copies of Martin Luther King’s “Letter From Birmingham Jail” will be left outside of classrooms. Intrigued, the shooter will stop his rampage to read the letter. The shooter, studying the messages of non-violence and love for fellow humans, will fail to realize he is about to be beaten to death by a professor with a salmon-colored “emergency folder.”

 

•From now on, Dean of Students Mike Segawa will only be allowed to hunt crows with his crossbow between May and August.

 

PHOTO COURTESY/WIKIPEDIA

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