Dear Sexile Expert,
My roommate seems upset with me when I text her about staying away for a while so I can screw her ex-boyfriend. I think she’s angry because it’s always a text, instead of something more engaging and fun. What should I do?
Hapless in Harrington
Perceptive, Hapless, very perceptive. Texts suck. That’s why my roommate and I have established an extensive network of specially bred messenger pigeons. Anywhere on campus, they can find me simply by tracking my unique aura of desperate loneliness.
It’s sweet! There’s nothing quite like being shat on figuratively by my roommate and literally by a bird at the same time. Contemplating the irony of it is almost as much fun as the wild sex I’m not having!