Combat Zone

Trump: Global Warming “Not Hot Enough”

By Anna Graham

For those still confused on the reasoning behind President Trump’s decision to shut down the National Climate Assessment panel, and his continued denial of climate change in general, an enlightening new theory is slowly coming to light. After a series of intensive interviews, The Flail was able to get the inside scoop from the president himself. Apparently, the explanation is simpler than we all thought: according to Trump, Global Warming is just simply “not hot enough.”

In a recent interview, President Trump was quoted as saying, “I would rate Global Warming as a solid four, maybe a five if she’s lucky. She’s not bad looking exactly — she could maybe pull off the ‘average-looking friend in a generic, badly-produced romantic comedy.’ But it just seems like she’s always trying to purposefully hide her figure under some sort of haze, and that’s just not doing her any favors. It can’t be that difficult to not look like a pile of trash every day — all it takes is a little effort.”

For her part, Global Warming said that Trump’s statement was endlessly frustrating, as she just really wants Trump to notice her. She’s not looking for any kind of long-term commitment; she’d just like some acknowledgement. Unfortunately, however, it seems that the only real way to catch the president’s attention is to insult him or impress him with physical beauty and vacant demeanor.

Trump himself noted, “I don’t see why I should waste my time on someone who doesn’t have that certain physical ‘pizzazz,’ you know? Unfortunately, I don’t think she has what it takes.”

Out of desperation, Global Warming tried to pull a series of political moves. “First I tried by parading around a couple hurricanes. I thought if I made them really big and obvious, he’d see how serious I am about everything. Like, my hurricanes were record-breaking. They were on all the major news channels. Doesn’t mass destruction indicate that I am not messing around this time? I thought there was no way he could miss it.”Apparently, however, Trump missed it. Perhaps it was her lack of sparkly glitter eyeshadow.

Nevertheless, Global Warming refused to give up. “I tried a bunch of other moves, as well. Record-breaking rains? Got it. Record-breaking drought? Done it. Wildfires that tear up half the west coast? Not even a problem.”

Thus far, however, nothing seems to be enough to impress President Trump. Trump was remarkably irritated by these displays of power, saying: “It just comes off as desperate, you know? She should try to relax a little, have fun and smile more often. She’s always so serious and demanding — she’ll never get a guy with that attitude.”

Nevertheless, Global Warming does not seem to be particularly keen on the President’s advice. Though he has yet to give her credit yet, she notes that she has the power to potentially destroy human life as we know it. She thinks that this will most likely give her some political leverage going into the future. For now, though, we’ll just have to wait and see.